At about the same time when my friends were vomiting up enough vodka to successfully disinfect several Third World countries, I was at home, my one-night stands now a long-term relationship with one very small, very fat man – my baby son, Benjamin.
A single mother at the ripe old age of twenty-two, I’d sworn off dating. It wasn’t that I was a bitter man-hater or anything (although I had good reason to be), I was just done. I had bigger and better things to focus on, mainly school and single parenting an autistic son while slinging pizza and beer on the weekends.
That done stuff, however, didn’t last all that long. As it happened, I subsequently met a man who I wanted to date. Problem was, I hadn’t dated in so long that I had no idea what to do. What was I supposed to do with him? How was I supposed to be with someone new? What if he tried to kiss me? Could I even kiss someone new? What if he wanted to have – gulp – sex with me? OMG! OMG OMG!
I was (and I’m being kind here) a hot mess, in every way you can think (and in some you probably can’t imagine). It was time to pull a Madonna and reinvent myself … only with less pointy boobs.
The first step in Project Bringing Sexy Back was to start feeling good about myself. I started with small things. I bought new clothes in the proper size, rather than simply tossing on whatever passed the sniff-sniff, good enough test. Sure, maybe the clothes were a size I wasn’t thrilled about (thank you, baby weight), but they fit and made me look good. I took a rare afternoon off and went out in search of new perfume and makeup. “Look good, feel better” became my new mantra.
The second step was to find some “me” time. I realized that I needed to take time out for myself every day, not just when I felt overwhelmed (which was pretty much any day that ended with the word “day”). A workaholic by nature, this was harder than I thought it would be. But by giving myself some time to do absolutely nothing, I was finally able to relax and de-stress, something I hadn’t done in years. I knew I wouldn’t be a good partner to a mosquito in my frazzled state. And really, being sexy has a lot to do with the way you feel and how you project yourself, not just how you appear to the rest of the world.
I also made sure that I attended to all kinds of personal grooming (and I mean all kinds!) I busted out my dusty razor, got a pedicure, and called my hair stylist. It was time to bring sexy all the way back.
And speaking of which, I found something that I had lost a while back – my balls! I had them coated in platinum and strapped them firmly back on where they belonged – around my neck. Everyone knows confidence is sexy.
I won’t lie: being with someone new after so long was a little awkward at first. And I’ll admit to you (if you promise to keep this between us), that I may have dodged what could’ve been our first kiss because I was all kinds of the nervous. Shameful, I know, but I was young and hadn’t been naked in front of someone new since the Carter administration.
But I must’ve done something right: even after dodging that kiss, my date went on to marry me and we’ve been bringing sexy back together ever since.
0 Comments