It isn’t always easy to break up and remain friends. When you break up with someone, there are bound to be hard feelings, hurt and resentment. And when you break up with a spouse, all of that fun stuff is compounded by a myriad of legal issues. Once the lawyers get involved, things can really get nasty. In my own divorce, my husband and I agreed about the division of our property and child support, but the lawyers fought tooth and nail, and all of the lawyers urged their respective clients not to settle so easily.
But if you and your ex had kids, there’s a powerful incentive to keep things at least civilized and preferably, friendly. I don’t mean that you have to become each other’s best friends, but the two of you are going to be thrown together a lot in the coming years, so you may as well try to make the best of it.
At minimum, there’ll be two weekly hand-offs of the kids and do you really need to be glaring daggers at each other? Do you really want the kids to witness hostility? Then there will be things like school plays, parent-teacher conferences, graduations, visiting weekends at summer camp, and all kinds of other things that you can’t even anticipate. In all likelihood, you guys are going to see each other a bunch, like it or not.
Now if your spouse did something insufferable (I’m talking domestic abuse), and that’s what led to the divorce, staying friends may be impossible. If infidelity (his or yours) caused the breakup, dealing on a friendly basis may also be quite problematic. But if the breakup was caused by a more common issue (incompatibility or one of you simply falling out of love with the other) remaining friends should be easier.
Look at it this way: There was something that attracted you powerfully to your spouse in the first place. And whatever those qualities were that first drew you together are probably qualities you both still possess. And if you can see past all of the other bullshit that messed things up between you, and focus on the glass being half full here, you’ll both be a lot better off.
Even if you don’t have each other over for Sunday dinner (though wouldn’t it be nice for your kids if you did?), you can still enjoy each other’s company when you’re forced to be together. How nice for your kids to see that even if Mommy and Daddy aren’t married anymore, they can still be nice to each other. And how nice to know that if you need to discuss any child-related matter with your ex, you can just pick up the phone and talk –not just as two civilized humans, but two people who can actually relate.
Yes, you may have taken adversarial positions in the divorce, but the divorce is behind you now. Your ex is not The Enemy. He’s the father of your children and he is someone you once found attractive not just physically, but as a person. Look past the acrimony that ensued, past the behaviors that caused you to decide you couldn’t remain married to this person, and remember all the good things that you enjoyed in the first place.
Cynthia MacGregor is the author of over 100 books including The Divorce Helpbook for Teens and The Divorce Helpbook for Kids. She is also the author of Solo Parenting and “Step” This Way, both available as e-books from www.secretcravingspublishing.com/LivingandLearningMain.html. You can read many more of Cynthia’s articles on the topic of solo parenting at www.TheSoloParent.com.
0 Comments